Sunday, February 25, 2007
I'm laughing inside now...at myself, figure that gives me internal bleeding or something. The thing is...my main blog has gone to crap now and there is no reason for anyone to be reading it because i don't write anything there anymore. I can't even start on how much that frustrates me. But everything i wanna say now are not for the prying eyes and ears of parents, relatives and semi-close friends. And to doodle on that blog would be just another attempt to please the public. (Gosh! Don't i ever get bored of complaining about the over publicizing of my blog...guess it relly bothers me...i want my blog freedom back!)
So crappy inside now that I feel like a whore. There are so many thoughts that I shouldn't be entertaining. And I need to tell somebody! Get it out of my system. so in that absence, this THING I'm writing now is the best other alternative. I want that easy access to my bestest friend back now. But being like on the other side of the world from her makes that too expensive a luxury than my miserable allowance will allow. So that makes me miserable.
Living away from my parents has reallie been a blast. Slowly becoming an american, all that freedom to do whatever i please, not having to tell anyone what bloody time i'll be back...it's all so great i'm starting to feel like a big fat sinner for exploiting it. First I'm learning how to drive in this scary country without telling my parents, then drinking like idiot, and all those crazy things. But again it's soooo long since i've seen them, my parents and brother, it's just so wierd...on the one hand they are the most important people in my life, on the other I'm getting along fine right now I'm not reallie missing them terribly...i don't know how i got so desensitized. I think i'm starting to change into something i'm remotely afraid of. Am I getting amoral? I don't know, but this certainly feels like it. I scared, i can't even play with my words now, I'm not reallie thinking.
Then there are these boys. I'm obsessively infatuated to a point of stoopidity with one and crazy jelous of another. Maybe I'm just a selfish brat who can't make up her mind, is spiteful, and can't really like anybody in particular.
I wanna get back on track. Work's not going well or else I wouldn't BE in this messed up state I'm in. ¶ 9:48 PM
So crappy inside now that I feel like a whore. There are so many thoughts that I shouldn't be entertaining. And I need to tell somebody! Get it out of my system. so in that absence, this THING I'm writing now is the best other alternative. I want that easy access to my bestest friend back now. But being like on the other side of the world from her makes that too expensive a luxury than my miserable allowance will allow. So that makes me miserable.
Living away from my parents has reallie been a blast. Slowly becoming an american, all that freedom to do whatever i please, not having to tell anyone what bloody time i'll be back...it's all so great i'm starting to feel like a big fat sinner for exploiting it. First I'm learning how to drive in this scary country without telling my parents, then drinking like idiot, and all those crazy things. But again it's soooo long since i've seen them, my parents and brother, it's just so wierd...on the one hand they are the most important people in my life, on the other I'm getting along fine right now I'm not reallie missing them terribly...i don't know how i got so desensitized. I think i'm starting to change into something i'm remotely afraid of. Am I getting amoral? I don't know, but this certainly feels like it. I scared, i can't even play with my words now, I'm not reallie thinking.
Then there are these boys. I'm obsessively infatuated to a point of stoopidity with one and crazy jelous of another. Maybe I'm just a selfish brat who can't make up her mind, is spiteful, and can't really like anybody in particular.
I wanna get back on track. Work's not going well or else I wouldn't BE in this messed up state I'm in. ¶ 9:48 PM
